Time

All school year, I felt incredibly busy. There was always so much to do and not enough time to do it. It was even worse at the end of the year because I was emotionally exhausted, from the work itself and from the ongoing battles with Lila's attitude.

So, for all that busyness, I never felt productive.

Now that summer vacation has begun, I feel incredibly productive. That seems sort of silly to say, since this is only the second official day of our break, but it's true! Without such a busy schedule to follow, I am free to take care of to-do items when they pop into my head.

Two weeks ago, if a to-do item came to mind, I'd groan to myself and walk around an inch shorter from the weight of all the things that needed doing, pressing down on me. Not a good feeling.

I'm sure that some of my productive vigor comes from the many hours I spent on cleaning and organizing this weekend. But the very fact that I've updated my blog for three days in a row, is a clear sign that I'm lighter of mind and schedule!

I'll need to be careful not to overload myself with new and exciting summer plans. I'm full of energy and the thrill of a new season and everything sounds like a good idea. I learned a long time ago, however, never to plan more than two things in a day.

Today, we went to the gym and the library in the morning. We were home in time for lunch, and spent the rest of the day here. That was just right. We still had plenty of time to take care of less-than-exciting daily responsibilities and some simple relaxation.

Now, I need your opinion on something...

I am staunchly anti-e-reader. I want a real, honest paper book. One that I can put my hands on (and never needs charging) (and I don't have to stop breathing if I accidentally drop it) (and I'm incredibly old-fashioned in a lot of ways).

However, Lila has a Kindle Fire. She goes through phases of using it often and then ignoring it for a long time (usually because it needs charging and she can't be bothered to plug it in). Today, she spent most of her day reading books on the thing.

I felt like I should tell her to put it down and find something else to do, but I was torn. If it were a "real" book that she was reading, I wouldn't have given it a second thought. But isn't it really a bad idea to spend hours staring at a little electronic screen?

Or am I being an unreasonable luddite?

At the very least, I should ask her to stop reading and walking at the same time. She's going to hurt herself!

Eli's Birthday Party Photos

Eli, decorating his own birthday cake. If you want a thing done right...

Posing with the coolest Iron Man balloon ever.

Photo-bombed by Brandon. This whole set-up
cracks me up!

So many LEGOS!

In Eli's opinion, it's not a birthday party unless
there's a piñata.

Can you tell which children play baseball?

There's another one.

The Kill Shot.

Lila was the only one who didn't get a turn, so we let her take a few whacks
at it on the ground.

Opening presents, with a spellbound audience.

Body slamming his new giant bear.

It was a great birthday!

De-cluttering

Wow, it's been a week since I wrote a blog post. That would be because the past week was CRAZYTOWN! It was the last week of school, plus Lila's ballet recital was Saturday. Then we threw on some major de-cluttering and organizing, just to spice things up.

I spent hours - literally, hours - cleaning the playroom today. I should be exhausted, but I feel energized instead. Getting rid of things and watching a room clear out and become pretty... well, it makes me a very cheerful person.

I touched every single toy (and piece of trash) in that room, and made sure it was in its home. The whole floor is clean now! It hasn't looked like this in... EVER. And it is making it infinitely easier for the kids to look through their things and decide what to get rid of.

None of this would have been possible if Joe and Irene hadn't taken the kids to spend the night at their house. If they had been home, this would have been a far more stressful day! I carried out two big bags full of trash, just from that one room.

And we have a large garbage bag full of things to sell/give away. Hopefully, there will be quite a few more things that end up in the sell bag. The only down side to the room being so clean and organized now is that it's disguising just how much crap is still in there!

Doug spent his day out in the garage. Right now, one side of the garage is clean enough to park a car in. It has been Doug who parks there, because his car is newer (and I just don't care). Now that I have a new car, he wants to clean the other side as well.

So, we'll be clearing a lot of stuff out of our garage. This is highly gratifying and very addictive for me. At the same time, I want it to be done, so that we can move on with life. Oh well, only two weeks until the garage sale...

Since this was kind of a boring update, I'll throw in a moderately cute photo of one of my extremely cute kids.

Pre-K Teddy Bear Picnic

Charity

We just had the following Talk with our children...

"I have a couple of problems and an event I'd like to talk to you guys about. First, you have probably noticed how much time Dad and I spend cleaning the house, to make it a nice place for our family to live.

"As part of members of this family, we ask you guys to be part of the clean ups. We know that you don't really enjoy doing a lot of cleaning. We’ve also heard both of you say that the work is too hard, when cleaning up a lot of toys. We understand because we have begun to notice that a lot of the time we spend cleaning is picking up toys and cleaning up messes on your side of the upstairs and it IS hard!

"Second, Eli just had a birthday and Lila’s got one coming up soon. Dad and I have had a hard time deciding on presents because there doesn’t seem to be much room in your bedroom or playroom for new toys and because you both have so many toys already.

“God has blessed us to be able to buy, not just the things that we need, but also a lot of the things that we want. God also asks us to take care of our things and share the things that he gives us.

"Finally, our small group is going to be having a charity garage sale in a few weeks. That means we are going to give all the money we make from selling our things to a group that will use the money to help people in need.

“Remember the meal packing event we did at church? We’ll be giving the money to organization: Feed My Starving Children. The more we sell, the more people we can help. Dad and I have been thinking, praying, and talking, and I think we've come up with a solution that will solve all of those problems and help others!

"It might not sound like a good idea at first, but I'll explain. We are going to go through the whole house (including the playroom) and pull out a lot of our things and toys. Then we will sell those things, along with a lot of Mommy and Daddy's things, in the garage sale.

"How does that sound? Awesome or pretty awful?!? But, let me explain! After we do this...

1. Dad and I will have more time to take care of our other responsibilities, so we will have more time to play, because we won't have to spend so much time cleaning.

2. The playroom (and the rest of the house) will be a nicer place to spend time.

3. We won't have to ask you two to pick up your toys so often.

4. There will be plenty of room for your new birthday presents!

5. We will be able to give a lot of money to a group that can help hungry children, which will make God very happy!

"I would love your help in choosing which toys to keep and which to sell. I know it will be a difficult task, however, so Dad and I are willing to do it on our own, if you'd prefer.

"Do you have any questions or feelings you'd like to share?"

You can probably guess how well that went over. Eli was too busy playing with his tiny dinosaurs to even care. Lila acted like we just told her we were going to execute a litter of puppies. We reassured them that we're not asking them to give up their favorite toys.

I'm sure there will be some tears, nonetheless. We're talking about major downsizing here. Personally, I'm pretty excited about it. (The downsizing; not the tears.) I hate stuff! I have long entertained fantasies about tossing a match into the playroom and shutting the door.

I'm pretty sure that's a sign of mental illness, but we don't need to talk about that.

Who needs toys when you've got ME?

Prayer

First, the good news:

Eli ate all of his dinner again! It was much the same as Monday night's meal, only there were chunks of strawberry instead of apple. Eli was fairly unhappy about this change. Strawberries are one of those foods that he used to eat and now he's afraid of.

I really wanted his second Dinner Winner meal to be a success, so I even cut the seeds off the strawberry chunks for him! After a lot of patience and encouraging him to just walk away and try again tomorrow, if this was too stressful, he finally mustered the courage to try a bite.

Then he said, quite casually, "Oh, I totally remember the taste of the strawberries. I like them."

I just kept my I-told-you-so to myself and let him know how very proud I was of him, for overcoming his fear!

Now, on to the bad news:

I got calls today, telling me that two different family members are in the hospital!

Grandma, Mary Priddy, had a double mastectomy a few weeks ago, and she's due to start chemotherapy next week. Today, she went in to have a CT scan and a body scan done. After the CT scan, they told her she had a blood clot(s) in her lung(s) and sent her to the ER.

Yikes! In the ER, they started her on medication to break up the clot(s) and then sent her back to finish her body scan. Now she's spending the night in the hospital, where they will do more tests and continue her medication.

My step-mother, Susan Priddy, is supposed to have a knee replacement surgery in mid-June. She had an ECG done at her surgeon's office, as part of the pre-operative testing, and he told her he didn't like the results. (What an annoying thing for a doctor to say.)

She was then referred to a cardiologist for further testing. I don't know whether or not she had seen him yet, but my dad came home from physical therapy yesterday (he's had recent back surgery) and found her barely able to talk.

The only words she could get out were, "Something's wrong." To say that he was scared would be the worst sort of understatement. They called the cardiologist, who got her into the hospital ASAP. After a number of tests, they determined that she has a constricted (obstructed?) vein (artery?) in her arm.

The obstruction is causing the blood to flow backward, into her brain. (If you know something about medical conditions, and this sounds totally made up... I'm doing my best to remember everything as it was told to me.)

On Friday morning, she will have an angiogram done, to verify that this is truly what's happening. If needed, she will also have an angioplasty, to open up the artery, and possibly have a stent put in. And she's mostly worried about whether this will keep her from getting her knee replaced!

What the heck, man? My Dallas peeps are falling apart!

After getting off the phone from the second round of news, I told the kids what was going on with Grandma (their great-grandmother) and Susan (their grandmother). In vexation, I said, "What is going on in Dallas?!?"

Lila's response...

"I don't know. . . They're just old."

Miracle

Oh. My. Goodness.

A miracle has just occurred in my house.

Eli ate dinner.

I mean it - really! He ate dinner!

As a birthday gift, I got him a Dinner Winner plate. It turns eating into a game with a little hidden surprise at the end... and it worked! I filled the spaces with a couple of chunks of hamburger bun, several peanuts, a couple of small bites of apple, a lettuce leaf topped with chocolate almond butter, and a bit of black bean burger.

Hidden in the Finish space was a small chocolate, but we didn't tell him what was in there. He had to make it to the end to find out. He ate every bit of the food. With out a bit of complaining or stalling or gagging.

I'm still in shock.

This is the child who would rather go to bed with no dinner, than eat something that isn't bread. Doug reminded me that we should assume it will never happen again, but I can't help being hopeful! Eli even asked if we could use the Dinner Winner plate every night!

Praise God!

- - - - -

Unrelated, except that it's on the topic of food, I have a couple of recommendations for my gluten-free peeps.

1. Chisos Grill in the Hill Country Galleria - We ate at this place for Mother's Day lunch and it was amazing! Not only do they have an extensive gluten-free menu (including fried fish, if you're into that kind of thing), but everything that we ordered was incredibly tasty!

2. Omission Beer - I was just learning to like beer before I found out I was gluten intolerant. After my switch to gluten-free living, I tried Redbridge beer and I didn't really like it. I've heard some recommendations for Omission, so I tried their pale ale. It's quite good!

Mom

Eli came home from school today with a bag of Mothers' Day goodies for me. Since there was no one around to tell us that we had to wait until Sunday, he decided I should open them today. There was a drawing, a hand-drawn and written card (which included a picture of Eli and I together, Jesus peering down at us from Heaven, and the three crosses of Golgotha in the background), a cup of homemade peppermint sugar scrub, and - my favorite - The Mommy Test.

This was a little "How well do you know your mom?" quiz that each student answered verbally and their teacher wrote their exact answers on the sheet. The questions, and Eli's answers, are as follows:

The Mommy Test

1. What is your Mom's name?

     "Angela"

2. How old is your Mom?

     "I don't remember. She just had a birthday."

3. What does your Mom do during the day while you are at school?

     "She goes to the gym and does other stuff also."

4. What do you like best about your Mom?

     "That she's crazy."

5. Why did God make Moms?

     "To take care of her kids."

6. Who is your Mom's best friend?

     "She has a lot of best friends, but I don't remember their names."

7. What is your favorite thing to do with your Mom?

     "Cheese Fight."

8. Why did your Mom marry your Dad?

     "Because she loves him."

9. Who is the boss at your house?

     "My Mom and Dad."

10. What does your Mom do for fun?

     "Watch America's Funniest Home Videos."

I love it! He's got me pretty well pegged. And I love his diplomatic answer about who's the boss at our house! The only answer I question is number 10. It would seem that Eli doesn't recognize book reading as a form of fun. I watch AFV about once per month. I read books all the time!

A Cheese Fight, if you're curious, is a creation of Eli's. The short version is this: It's a wrestling match that takes place on the couch. More specifically, it happens when we've all watched a video together, the video gets turned off, then one of my kids yells, "Cheese Fight!" and attacks me.

Lesson

A generous person will be enriched,
and the one who gives a drink of water
will receive water.
(Proverbs 11:25)

Doug and Eli stopped at a coffee shop/pizza restaurant in
Brenham, on their way to Camp Allen.

I'm home alone with Lila this weekend. Well, Friday afternoon to Saturday evening - not the whole weekend. Doug and Eli are gone to Camp Allen for a weekend retreat with friends/their church. The whole family was supposed to go, and really wanted to!

Unfortunately, Lila had another bad beginning to the week and got so far behind on school work that there was no way to finish it all before we would have needed to leave. It was a very tough decision to make, but we decided she would learn the most from not going.

We told her that she couldn't go to the camp after all, because she'd need to catch up on school work. And I have to stay home with her, because I'm her teacher. We didn't lecture or get angry; we just laid it out simply and expressed our genuine sadness at the situation.

I really expected some Biblical Style weeping and gnashing of teeth because this was going to be a weekend at camp with her best friend! She has handled it all remarkably well, however. Because there was no frustration or lecturing from us, she had no one to be mad at.

There was no one to blame for the consequences, except herself. I'm praying like crazy that she will learn a lesson and that it will stick! We've had so much trouble with her behavior lately. She has to learn that it's not okay to walk away from your responsibilities.

You have to do your job, even when you don't feel like it. And it's not okay to be a jerk when you don't feel like doing your job either. She can be so sweet. Most people who know her only see the sweet and respectful side of her personality.

But boy! can she be nasty when she's upset about something. And she is Stubborn! (I can't imagine where she got a trait like that. [shifty eyes]) Eli can be a right little bugger sometimes too, but he doesn't tend to hang onto things like she does.

Today, I kept using this line on her: "I am happy to help you catch up on school work, as long as you are being kind and polite." She was instantly suspicious. "What does that mean?!?" Me: "It's just a statement. A fact. I'm telling you what I'm willing to do."

When she continued to be rude, I said, "Please go up to your room until you are ready to be kind and polite to me." That seemed to be mildly more effective than telling her she could go to her room until she was ready to do her school work. She wants to be kind. She does not want to do school work.

Anyway, there were some tears when Doug and Eli left this afternoon, but she recovered very quickly. Not only did she recover, but she was downright cheerful! She enjoys being alone with one of us. I think she feels a little more grown up that way.

The upside of being alone together all evening: one kids is way easier than two. No bickering or competing or mutinies. The downside of being alone together all evening: I was Lila's sole source of entertainment for the three hours between the end of school and bedtime!

We had some fun though. No eating out and no videos, because she gets no privileges until she's caught up on her work. So we ate leftovers for dinner, went for a long walk, laid on my bed together and read books, and played Twister.

Now Lila is (presumably) asleep in my bed!

Positive

"Prayers are heard in heaven very much in proportion to our faith. Little faith will get very great mercies, but great faith still greater." -- Charles Spurgeon

My children were awful today. I mean really. Awful. Never mind that Lila got virtually no home work done and spent 85% of the day in her bedroom. Or that both children decorated their entire bodies with markers.

They made such a colossal mess in my bedroom, that I decided it was safest for everyone if I just walked away. Doug is now overseeing clean-up and advising them to pray that his sink is not so clogged that we have to call a plumber.

Yeah. That bad.

Since I do not want to spoil the happy feelings induced by my new car (a "surprise" from Doug), I will not revisit their bad behavior any further. Instead, I will entertain you with the only two positive stories I can recall from the day.

During the brief time when Lila was actually doing her school work, we reviewed last week's Latin words. See if you can spot the word that she made up...

Me: What is flos?
Lila: Flower!
Me: What is the Latin word for plant?
Lila: Uh. Herba?
Me: Correct. What is hortus?
Lila: Garden.
Me: What is the Latin word for leaf?
Lila: Umm... leafus!

During a break time, the kids were playing around and I heard Lila say, "We're going to investigate something strange," as they went out the front door. I probably should have been concerned at this point, but I was trying my best to pretend they didn't exist for a few minutes.

A short time later, they came back in the house carrying this:

Both: giggle giggle giggle
Lila: Open this. We found it in the street.
Both: giggle giggle giggle

At this point, I'm certain there is something in that box that is going to make me scream.

Me: [mildly alarmed] Is there something alive in there?
Lila: No.
Both: giggle giggle giggle
Me: [shying away from the box] No.
Both: giggle giggle giggle
Lila: Come on!

Then she opens the box herself, and shows me this:

Then they proceed to laugh their tiny a$$es off.

I guess you have to be a kid to get the joke?

Tangents

In the midst of great joy, do not promise anyone anything. In the midst of great anger, do not answer anyone's letter. -- Chinese Proverb

*sniff-sniff*
Did someone say "birthday brownies?"

I had a lovely birthday weekend. My thanks to all who sent happy wishes via text and Facebook!

I thought the weekend was going to get held back by a sick child. Lila was under-the-weather (is that supposed to be a hyphenate?) on Friday. She was extra tired and had a low-grade fever. She was feeling poorly enough on Friday evening that she didn't want to go out for dinner!

We ordered in Domino's instead (Eli's pick), and watched America's Funniest Videos from the comfort of our couch. Thankfully, her body fought off whatever was ailing her and she woke up normal on Saturday!

We did Saturday morning chores, which is (oddly, perhaps) one of my favorite times of the week. The children feel differently about it. Shocking, I know! Eli hardly did anything, really, but I decided to let consequences (no video) speak for themselves.

I resisted the urge to nag, which helped my serenity greatly.

Actually, what I've started doing recently is this: Whenever I cross paths with one of the children during chore time, I'll say something like, "I just finished making my bed! What are you doing right now?"

I sound as friendly and interested as I can and I only give directions if they are asked for. It's been remarkably effective. They may not do the chores that I would choose for them, but they are contributing to the upkeep of their home and I'm not ending up frustrated!

Anyway, none of that is what I came here to talk about. [wink]

I hate minivans. I never wanted a minivan. There was a time when I swore that I would never drive a minivan. . . . I drive a minivan.

I have hated it since the day we bought it, but it's so stinking convenient when you have small children! Now that both of mine are old enough to get into and out of a car and buckle and unbuckle their seatbelt, all without help, the minivan is not such a necessity.

I have been looking forward to getting a Grown-Up Car for many months now. The practical and frugal sides of me were determined to take the minivan to 100,000 miles first, however. I didn't want to feel like I was buying a new car until I had driven my old one to the point of exhaustion.

Now, at 92,000(ish) miles, there is something wrong with the minivan that would cost several hundred dollars to fix. Doug decided that it's not worth the money to make the repairs, given its worth and our plans to get rid of it at the end of the year anyway.

So... I'm getting my Grown-Up Car! This time I'm getting something that I will love and enjoy driving for the next 100,000 miles! Yay! I am getting a Subaru Outback. I drove one of these before the minivan and I have missed it for years.

I'm exhibiting (what feels like) super-human strength, as I wait for Doug to do his research on all the options and decide on the best way to go about the purchase (or lease). Even though this is not really a birthday present, I'm going to pretend that it is.

My real birthday presents were a charm bracelet from the kids (a key charm with a tiny heart in it from Lila and a slice of pizza charm from Eli) and an anti-fatigue kitchen mat from Doug (which is exactly what I asked for - I spend a lot of time standing and cooking).

Oh phooey! I just realized that I forgot to wear my new bracelet today!* I'll have to work hard to make that a new habit. I did, however, spend half an hour standing on my anti-fatigue kitchen mat, as I cooked dinner! It was delightful.

* CONFESSION: I forget to wear my wedding rings half the time too. I can't stand to sleep in them and don't want to work out with them on. If I don't take the time to put on other jewelry, then I forget to put my rings on when I get showered and dressed. I should make that a better habit too!

Ready?

"Men overlooked a baby's birth
When love unnoticed came to earth..."
 -- Mary Tatlow

Despite the hour that Lila spent in her bedroom, for having a very nasty attitude, we got through all of our homework today! This is the first Tuesday in several weeks that hasn't ended with work hanging over our heads.

It helped that yesterday was a holiday, so today's work was lighter than average. But I'm tired of talking about the trials of homeschool days...

I would say that I'm ready for summer break, but that's only half true.

I AM ready for the school battles to end for a few months. I am NOT ready for days where I never feel like I've gotten sufficiently cool.

I AM ready for a lighter schedule. I am NOT ready for 10-hour days of, "Mom? Will you..." "Mom? Can I have..." "Mom? He/she hit/kicked/yelled at me..." "Mom? Mom! Mom-may!"

I AM ready for more time to clean my house. (How often do you say those words?) I am NOT ready for the onslaught of scattered belongings that will accompany the children's increased free time.

I AM ready for more time to spend together as a family. I am NOT ready for The Pool. (If you have forgotten, or are unaware of, the way I feel about going to The Pool, please refer to: Summer fun, indeed.) (In fact, I may re-post that one. I feel that it bears repeating.)

I also have a yearly struggle against very old tapes that play in my head. When I was young, I didn't really have friends. At least, not many. (I'm not being melodramatic. Just honest.) Many summers  (particularly as a teenager) were a long, boring, lonely time of watching soap operas, grudgingly doing chores, and trying not to melt.

However much I tell myself that I am no longer a friendless child, I still get a little down at the beginning of summer. Those first cool breezes of autumn envigorate me. Those first hot breezes of summer depress me.

I just had a thought: Maybe we should plan a weekly trip to some jumpy place. They are indoor, air-conditioned, and grown-ups aren't allowed on the inflatables. That would be an easy thing to invite friends along to, as well!

School

"Happy is a man who finds wisdom and who acquires understanding..." (Proverbs 3:13)

For the second week in a row, Lila refused to do her school work for most of the day on Tuesday. She spent the time in her room instead, had all privileges revoked, and had to make up the work (along with doing Thursday's new work) on Thursday and Friday.

Is she ever going to learn that the fastest way to be rid of a task you don't like, is to just DO IT?!?

Her two big stumbling blocks are handwriting and math facts.

She has the skill to write neatly (in manuscript), but she doesn't like the effort it takes to do so. She was so excited when they started learning to write in cursive. I think she had it in mind that cursive would be easier than manuscript, so she wouldn't have to work as hard.

When she discovered that she was not instantly good at cursive, she decided it was awful too. Now I have to listen to whining and complaining every time she works on handwriting. "It's too hard!" "I don't like cursive." "I'm not good at it." "I wish cursive would just go away!" Etcetera. Ad nauseum.

(Which reminds me - she loves Latin!)

I lovingly remind my children, on a regular basis, that if their school work were easy, then we wouldn't be doing it. The point of doing school work is to learn. If the work is easy, then you aren't learning anything. The work is supposed to be difficult, at least in the beginning.

And as for math facts... [sigh] Again, she has the skill. She knows all of her addition facts and she's pretty close to knowing all her subtraction facts, as well. The problem is speed. Lila doesn't do ANYTHING quickly.

She operates at Lila Speed, at all times. She eats slowly. She gets dressed slowly. She walks slowly (and rarely in a straight line). And she does math facts slowly. They want her to be able to do 40 math facts in 2 minutes, but she's only at about 25 for addition facts and 15 for subtraction facts.

She actually SLOWS DOWN when she knows she's being timed. Just this week, I realized that part of the problem is that she's thinking too hard. When she sees a math problem, she starts trying to figure it out instead of letting her brain provide the stored information.

On the other hand, her favorite subjects are science and history. She's extremely well-behaved and respectful at school. She's on par with her classmates, academically. Her oral reading skills are a strength and she's got some wicked memorization skills.

Her participation in class discussions is also considered a strength. She's really thriving at school and she does work hard. We are just getting to a tough point in the year. She's tired of doing the things she doesn't like and, now that the weather is so beautiful, she'd rather be playing outside than sitting at a table with homework.

I'm getting a little tired of sitting at that table myself.

10 more classroom days and 10 more homeschool days until summer break...

Myself

The lamps now glitter down the street;
Faintly sound the falling feet;
And the blue even slowly falls
About the garden trees and walls.
-- Robert Louis Stevenson

I can't believe it's been a week since I last wrote anything. It's been a very busy week. At the same time, I've felt like I didn't have anything to talk about. I suppose the reality is that I didn't feel like disciplining myself to sit down and arrange my thoughts after the busy days.

I'm finally feeling quiet-of-spirit enough that writing doesn't feel like a chore. It was an oddly silent afternoon. Eli, who is usually unbelievably chatty, hardly spoke a word on the way home from school. At home, he mostly busied himself with Legos.

After we picked Lila up, we went to the library. Everyone picked out new books and then we headed home. Both kids stuck their nose in a book, as soon as we got in the car. They were quiet all the way home and then did not utter a word for 40 minutes after we got here.

I was just about to tell them it was bath time when our neighbors knocked on the door. We chatted, they bathed, then they went back to their books. They barely acknowledged Doug when he got home. I've seen Lila do this before, but not Eli! He typically only shows that kind of focus with Legos.

And I'm so very happy to report that I'm feeling like my normal self again. My doctor agreed with my assessment that 25 mg is the right dose of medication for now (that's half what I was taking a year ago), and I'm satisfied that I'm not taking a drug that I don't need.

One thing I'm kicking myself for: Today was the 2nd Grade Renaissance Festival at school and I forgot to bring my camera! You may have seen the photo I posted on Facebook. It's the only picture I got, but I love it.

Confession: I wanted, with all my heart, to dress up for the festival. I bought a dress for Lila, with the justification that it can be her Halloween costume too. Adult costumes are much more expensive, however, and I couldn't bring myself to buy one.

Counting

There's been a whole lotta weird going on since I picked Lila up from school.

Actually, it started while we were waiting for Lila in the carpool line, because that's when Eli decided to start counting. I didn't know why he was counting. He had been talking for the better part of two hours and, to be honest, I wasn't really listening anymore.

I only became fully aware of what he was doing when he got stuck and asked me what came next. Some part of my subconscious told me that the last number he'd said was 99, so I said the next number was 100.

I hope that my subconscious was telling the truth. I can just see this coming back to haunt me later...

"But Mom, you said that 100 comes after 35!"

Lila got to the car shortly after that and she became his What-Comes-Next Helper. I only stepped in when she told him that 1000 comes after 199. By the time we got to our neighborhood, Lila's voice had taken on a bit of an edge.

When I got out of the car and came into our house, Eli was going strong. Several seconds later, Lila came in, quickly shut the door behind her, and said, "He's still counting! He's at 300 now!"

She had such a perfect look of consternation on her face that I just started giggling. Shortly afterward, Eli came in the front door, still counting, and that made me giggle even more. As he sat down and started taking his socks and shoes off - still counting - I managed to ask him,

Me: "So... what's your plan for counting? Like... when are you going to stop?"
Eli: "Stop me when I get to 101."
Me: "Dude. You passed up 101 a long time ago."
Eli: "I did?!? Wow. I didn't even know I counted to 101."

And, just like that, he was done.

Then I noticed that my daughter wasn't wearing any pants...

Problems

"Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size." -- Mark Twain

It seems that many things are grieving me this week, but I suppose it's really only two.

1. My Sanity
2. My Daughter

On the topic of my sanity... [sigh]

I fought hard, but I've decided to begin taking the higher dose of Paxil CR again. The physical side effects of withdrawal have all passed - no more dizziness or headaches or tummy trouble - and the emotional roller coaster has settled down to a normal level.

Unfortunately, in place of those things, I have anger. Lots of it. It's big and irrational. By yesterday afternoon, I didn't like any member of my family anymore and I realized I also didn't like who I'd become. I feel hostile all the time.

If I had to guess, I'd say this is a sign of my obsessive/compulsive tendencies re-emerging. I feel, increasingly, the need to have things "just so". Things from tidy piles of paper to the actions of every person within my home. That perceived need + real life = Not a Good Combination.

I've also become hyper-sensitive to noise. It feels like my children never stop talking. Ever. I have recently encountered people whose normal voice sounded like a worm in my brain and made me want to punch them in the face. And it's even worse when I'm in a crowded place.

So, I have a follow-up appointment with my doctor on Friday, but I consider that a formality. I am going back to 25 mg. Even that makes me angry! To make myself feel better, I keep reminding myself that this is still half the amount I was taking several months ago.

On the topic of my daughter... [sigh]

I have to admit that Lila's recent behavior could be, in part, a reaction to my own behavior changes (just another reason to get myself sorted out), but whatever the cause -- she's lost her ever-loving mind. You would think this child had been raised by wild animals.

Really rude and nasty wild animals.

Really rude and nasty anarchist wild animals.

She spent the better part of the day in her bedroom, refusing to take care of her school responsibilities. This has been a problem for a couple of weeks now, and she's so far behind that we didn't even get to start on today's homework.

I finally told her that she has lost all privileges, of every kind, until she has caught up on school work. I cannot make her do the work, but I don't have to give her any special treatment while she's being disrespectful and defiant.

I also told her, quite plainly, that I love her so very very much, but when she's being this rude and contrary... I don't want to be around her. At all. And I pointed out that it's not just me. When you are mean and unpleasant, people don't want to be around you. At all.

If one or both of these problems does not improve within the next week, I might have to run away and join the circus. I could tend the animals. And line up the tickets in very tidy stacks and rows. Oh, wait -- circuses are loud, aren't they?

Fine, I'll sell my family to a circus and stay in the quiet house by myself.

Bluebonnets!

My photo shoot with the kids was actually a success! They are not professional, but they are candid. That's the way (uh huh, uh huh) I like it!

The scrub in the background makes this a very Hill Country setting.

You really aren't as funny as you think you are, Mom.

I'm kind of obsessed with this shot.

Eli had the camera.

Lila's turn with the camera.

And this is where the bluebonnet became a weapon of some sort.

Nothing like picking your nose in the bluebonnets!

 

I was instructed to "do something silly."

 

Over

I despise April Fools' Day.

I tend to trust that people are telling the truth when they speak (though sometimes i wonder why), so I fall for everything.

Jump out and scare me - okay. Tape all my possessions to my desk - okay. Trick me into believing something is true when it isn't - HATE IT.

I'm still bitter about last year because www.thinkgeek.com tricked me into believing they were making the most awesome alarm clock ever.

(It was so awesome that I don't even want to talk about it.) I was so excited that I sent the link to Doug and told him that was what I wanted for my birthday. I was seriously upset when I found out it was a trick.

This year, I started preparing myself last night. I reminded myself repeatedly throughout the day that I should believe no one and no thing that I see. It was so bad that I was doubting legitimate news stories!

And that's just ONE of the reasons I'm glad this day is nearly over!

It was actually a fine day, up until about 4 p.m. That's when the world (or rather, my brain) came crashing down around me. I'm still not sure exactly what happened, but it ended with me curled up on my bed, sobbing.

I was remarkably patient all day, even when Eli was being a butt about his school work. (At what age do children learn that being a butthead does not make your responsibilities disappear?) We got a lot of work done and were on target to finish everything.

Then, suddenly, I had no patience. At all. I felt irrationally hostile toward everyone and everything. I got so exasperated that I was being quite rude to the kids. I finally called it quits on school and sent myself to my room.

We always tell the kids that they are welcome to be mean/rude/throw a fit/whatever - they just need to go to their room to do so. That way they won't hurt anyone else with their words or actions. If I can say one positive thing about the afternoon, it's that I modeled this principle.

I went to my room and stomped around and yelled into a pillow until I got it all out. Then I started crying because the whole experience was so discouraging. I have such a fear that this is the new normal. That I will forever be irritable and unstable.

First, I know, logically, that this is unlikely. For one thing, I remember being in this exact position when I reduced my dose the first time. I was crying in my bed, convinced that I was not going to be a good mother (or person, in general) without the medication.

I know, logically, that my body is still adjusting. As physical proof, I've had a headache for two days. That happened the first time too. And my doctor prepared me that this transition would likely be worse than the first time. [sigh] Okay.

I also know that, if this doesn't go away, if I continue to struggle so severely, then I can always go back to the higher dose of medication. And I know - again - logically speaking, that this would be an okay outcome.

But, I am a very stubborn person and a perfectionist. So it would FEEL like a failure.

And now, I need to go separate my darling children into different bedrooms, so they'll actually go to sleep. In closing, I'm glad this day is over. I will continue to be patient and to ask for forgiveness from my family. A lot.

And I'll ask you to continue to pray for me, send me hugs, and remind me as often as you can that God is powerful and I am surrounded by people who love me.

- - - - -

I know there are certain people who read my blog primarily for the photos of my children, so here's one for you!

Eli, with The Cat in The Hat!

Headache

Sometimes my children seem like normal and delightful humans, destined for a bright future.

At other times, they seem like deranged clowns, intent on destroying my sanity.

Case in point:

Eli recently came into possession of a Jack in the Box Christmas tree ornament. It's just a Jack head, wearing a hat. Cute, but destined to be another piece of discarded plastic, cluttering up the house.

For a few days, he's been hanging it in various places around the house and yard. He seems fascinated by how long it does or does not stay hanging and what happens to it while in that position. On the way home from the grocery store today, he had me hang it from the ceiling of the minivan.

Then I got to listen to a play-by-play description of the motions caused by the movement of the car:

"He's nodding yes. . . .
Now he's nodding no. . . .
Now he's dancing. . . .
Now he's swinging. . . .
Now he's dancing again. . . .
Now he's nodding no. . . ."

I really don't know how long that went on because I eventually disappeared inside myself and let one of my alternate personalities take control of the driving. I do know that I had a splitting headache by the time we got home.

(On the plus side, the effects of my medication change are fading, day by day. I had more motivation today than I've had in two weeks. Tomorrow's homeschool day will be a good test of how close I am to being leveled out. Hopefully the extreme irritability will not resurface!)

Busy

I was just sitting on my bed, reading a book. That's a shockingly difficult thing to do in the same room as children. They don't seem to understand that you can't read and listen to their constant narration of life at the same time. I swear I spent five minutes trying to read one short paragraph.

Anyway, I was sitting there, reading, and Eli climbed up next to me. Naked, and fresh out of the bath, mind you. He buried his head in my gut and said, "New Braunfels is in your belly button."

You really just never know what's going to come out of that boy's mouth.

Now, Doug and the kids are taking a walk/bike ride to the mail box, which I usually love to do, but it's chilly out there and I'm tired. It has been a great, but very long, day and I'm finally making myself the cup of coffee that I wanted five hours ago, but didn't have time for.

I went to BodyPump this morning. It was great! I hated it, and I'll be back there next week, hating it again.

Next, I went to the dentist. I got an A+ for taking care of my teeth. The hygienist said it was the cleanest mouth she'd seen all week. Of course, they also said I have the beginnings of a cavity between two of my teeth. If it gets worse, I'll be looking at my first-ever filling. Boo!

After that, I read The Sneeches to Eli's Pre-K class. After forgetting I'd signed up to do that last week, I rescheduled for today. Then I talked about it, out loud, every day, just to make sure it stayed in my brain. I wrote it on the calendar too, but that obviously didn't help last week!

This afternoon was the Defender Dash. Eli ran with the 3:10 group and Lila ran with the 4:10 group. I've never seen such stamina and perseverance from Eli! He was a compact little running machine! He worked hard and really enjoyed himself!

Lila, just like last year, approached it as more of an afternoon stroll. She did jog a few laps, but mostly walked. At one point, she and two of her friends were walking in a row, all holding hands. I love how different the two of them are! And I'm proud of both of them.

Once everyone had finished up and collected their nifty Defender Dash water bottles, we took them to Toastie's Sub Shop for an early dinner. They were both very excited about that and I don't think I've ever seen them eat so much food! The exercise did them good!

And now, as I mentioned, the kids have had their bath and I am finally sitting down.

Yesterday was terrible. Today was great. Tomorrow, I'm just hoping for normal!

Meaningful

There's a good reason why Doug is my best friend, though I tend to forget at times. ("Why the hell are you making so much noise with that chip bag? And do you have to use so many words when you talk?")

But sometimes we actually get to spend time alone together, and that's when I remember! We love to laugh and we're good at making each other do so. And, while we tend to disagree on many things, we are of one accord on the deeper issues of the heart and soul.

Date nights (and days - praise God for children who are old enough to be at someone else's house for 24 hours!) allow us to have uninterrupted conversations, so that we can remember these things. And even when we do disagree, it's much easier to be grown-up about it when we're alone and not exhausted!

Here's an example of an actual conversation that Doug and I had while the kids were gone this weekend...

Me: [from upstairs] "FYI - I have boobies up here!"
Doug: [from downstairs] "Boobiiiiiiieeeesssss!!!!!"

. . . what?

Okay, so not ALL of our conversations are deep and meaningful.