I tend to trust that people are telling the truth when they speak (though sometimes i wonder why), so I fall for everything.
Jump out and scare me - okay. Tape all my possessions to my desk - okay. Trick me into believing something is true when it isn't - HATE IT.
I'm still bitter about last year because www.thinkgeek.com tricked me into believing they were making the most awesome alarm clock ever.
(It was so awesome that I don't even want to talk about it.) I was so excited that I sent the link to Doug and told him that was what I wanted for my birthday. I was seriously upset when I found out it was a trick.
This year, I started preparing myself last night. I reminded myself repeatedly throughout the day that I should believe no one and no thing that I see. It was so bad that I was doubting legitimate news stories!
And that's just ONE of the reasons I'm glad this day is nearly over!
It was actually a fine day, up until about 4 p.m. That's when the world (or rather, my brain) came crashing down around me. I'm still not sure exactly what happened, but it ended with me curled up on my bed, sobbing.
I was remarkably patient all day, even when Eli was being a butt about his school work. (At what age do children learn that being a butthead does not make your responsibilities disappear?) We got a lot of work done and were on target to finish everything.
Then, suddenly, I had no patience. At all. I felt irrationally hostile toward everyone and everything. I got so exasperated that I was being quite rude to the kids. I finally called it quits on school and sent myself to my room.
We always tell the kids that they are welcome to be mean/rude/throw a fit/whatever - they just need to go to their room to do so. That way they won't hurt anyone else with their words or actions. If I can say one positive thing about the afternoon, it's that I modeled this principle.
I went to my room and stomped around and yelled into a pillow until I got it all out. Then I started crying because the whole experience was so discouraging. I have such a fear that this is the new normal. That I will forever be irritable and unstable.
First, I know, logically, that this is unlikely. For one thing, I remember being in this exact position when I reduced my dose the first time. I was crying in my bed, convinced that I was not going to be a good mother (or person, in general) without the medication.
I know, logically, that my body is still adjusting. As physical proof, I've had a headache for two days. That happened the first time too. And my doctor prepared me that this transition would likely be worse than the first time. [sigh] Okay.
I also know that, if this doesn't go away, if I continue to struggle so severely, then I can always go back to the higher dose of medication. And I know - again - logically speaking, that this would be an okay outcome.
But, I am a very stubborn person and a perfectionist. So it would FEEL like a failure.
And now, I need to go separate my darling children into different bedrooms, so they'll actually go to sleep. In closing, I'm glad this day is over. I will continue to be patient and to ask for forgiveness from my family. A lot.
And I'll ask you to continue to pray for me, send me hugs, and remind me as often as you can that God is powerful and I am surrounded by people who love me.
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I know there are certain people who read my blog primarily for the photos of my children, so here's one for you!
|Eli, with The Cat in The Hat!|