"Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size." -- Mark Twain

It seems that many things are grieving me this week, but I suppose it's really only two.

1. My Sanity
2. My Daughter

On the topic of my sanity... [sigh]

I fought hard, but I've decided to begin taking the higher dose of Paxil CR again. The physical side effects of withdrawal have all passed - no more dizziness or headaches or tummy trouble - and the emotional roller coaster has settled down to a normal level.

Unfortunately, in place of those things, I have anger. Lots of it. It's big and irrational. By yesterday afternoon, I didn't like any member of my family anymore and I realized I also didn't like who I'd become. I feel hostile all the time.

If I had to guess, I'd say this is a sign of my obsessive/compulsive tendencies re-emerging. I feel, increasingly, the need to have things "just so". Things from tidy piles of paper to the actions of every person within my home. That perceived need + real life = Not a Good Combination.

I've also become hyper-sensitive to noise. It feels like my children never stop talking. Ever. I have recently encountered people whose normal voice sounded like a worm in my brain and made me want to punch them in the face. And it's even worse when I'm in a crowded place.

So, I have a follow-up appointment with my doctor on Friday, but I consider that a formality. I am going back to 25 mg. Even that makes me angry! To make myself feel better, I keep reminding myself that this is still half the amount I was taking several months ago.

On the topic of my daughter... [sigh]

I have to admit that Lila's recent behavior could be, in part, a reaction to my own behavior changes (just another reason to get myself sorted out), but whatever the cause -- she's lost her ever-loving mind. You would think this child had been raised by wild animals.

Really rude and nasty wild animals.

Really rude and nasty anarchist wild animals.

She spent the better part of the day in her bedroom, refusing to take care of her school responsibilities. This has been a problem for a couple of weeks now, and she's so far behind that we didn't even get to start on today's homework.

I finally told her that she has lost all privileges, of every kind, until she has caught up on school work. I cannot make her do the work, but I don't have to give her any special treatment while she's being disrespectful and defiant.

I also told her, quite plainly, that I love her so very very much, but when she's being this rude and contrary... I don't want to be around her. At all. And I pointed out that it's not just me. When you are mean and unpleasant, people don't want to be around you. At all.

If one or both of these problems does not improve within the next week, I might have to run away and join the circus. I could tend the animals. And line up the tickets in very tidy stacks and rows. Oh, wait -- circuses are loud, aren't they?

Fine, I'll sell my family to a circus and stay in the quiet house by myself.

No comments: