Need to Vent

Oh my goodness, Lila has been difficult today! Fussing and whining. Disobeying. Throwing things. Arguing. Changing her mind seventeen times with every decision. Asking a thousand questions. Refusing to be in a different room than me for even five minutes! I haven't even been able to sit here and type these few sentences in peace.

She was talking and asking questions and whining non-stop so that I can't concentrate. I had to get up once to verify whether or not she'd eaten the snack she claimed to have eaten so that she could have a jelly bean (she had not). I had to ask her to please go play in another room for a few minutes because she was literally standing in my armpit. (she didn't go to another room, but she did at least go to the other SIDE of this room.)

Yesterday, she fell asleep in the car on the way home from swim class. She slept 15 minutes, which means she wouldn't go to sleep when naptime came. I tried two different times and indulged her way too much because I wanted to take a nap too, but had no success. So she went all day yesterday with a 15 minute nap. Because she was so tired, she woke up four or five times during the night.

When she was nuts this morning, I figured it was from the lack of sleep. She tried to get out of her nap again today, but since she had not slept even 5 minutes, I insisted. After a long battle, I got her to sleep and she took a normal nap. This afternoon, she is still nuts. So she's either still not caught up on sleep or she's just generally insane. Either way, I'm glad it's Friday!

Everyone is Fabulous!

It's fabulous how easily amused little kids are. Earlier this afternoon, Lila and I were playing a "game" called Row the Boat. This is just the two of us sitting facing each other, holding hands, and rocking back and forth while singing "Row, Row, Row your Boat". Lila thought it was hilarious. I played a round or two with this tiny stuffed kitten of hers and she was nearly shrieking, she thought it was so funny!

These kids are so awesome that I ALMOST want to have another one. I get over that pretty quickly though! I never again want to experience the solid year of depression struggles that pregnancy and childbirth bring with them for me. Some people enjoy being pregnant and to them I say, "Cheers! Go knock yourself out (or up, as it were)!" Hormones and I do not get along.

This is a total change of subject, but Doug was fantastic while we were up with my family in Seven Points! He was a constant support for all of us, but especially my step-father, Frank. I know it was completely exhausting for him - it was for all of us - but he was wise enough to take care of himself too. He asked his parents to come to town early to help us take care of the kids. That helped a lot!

[p.s. - this is a photo of my dad (a.k.a., grandaddy and rick) with the kiddos.]

[p.p.s. - eli, at six weeks old, rolled over from his belly to his back yesterday!]

Eli Update

I took Eli to the doctor this morning, to rule out constipation and/or an ear infection, and his weight is up to 9 lbs. 13 oz. He was small for his age at two weeks. I'll be interested to see where he stands at two months!

This is one of those sad, but cute things. Eli HATES the car seat, so if he is in it and not asleep, then he is screaming. Sometimes he reaches a level of crying where it really sounds like he's going to hurt himself. There have been many times when we were going somewhere and he started doing this and one of us would reach one arm back there to comfort him.

A few of those times, (here's the sad, but cute part) he would only calm down once he had grabbed onto one of our fingers. Then he'd just sit back there, doing that post-cry hiccuping thing, and hold tightly onto a finger.

"Oh good. You haven't left me. Just let me hold on to this so I don't forget..."

That is just one of the ways his personality is so different from Lila's at that age. He's also different in the way he "talks". The noises he makes are so Boy! He grunts and growls and shouts. It's very rare that he makes those cute little cooing noises. He's so funny!

Back Home

We're all back home now and Doug and I are exhausted. It was an intense week. The kids aren't all that exhausted (at least not physically) because they both slept all the way from Seven Points to Georgetown yesterday (that's three hours)! It was good to be around family - to mourn together and to know that they already knew what I was feeling, so I didn't have to talk about it if I didn't want to - but it is good to be home now too!

I'm still sad, naturally, but it's not all-consuming like it was for the first several days. Earlier, Lila and I were having "Bible Time" and she started talking about how we won't see Uncle Greg anymore (i don't know what prompted it). Then she said the Bible talks about Uncle Greg. I told her that, yes, the Bible talks about all people. It was sweet, but made me sad too.

Right now, Lila is playing on our bed. She is crawling under the covers and saying she's going to hide from Daddy. She's going to hide for a long time, if that's the case, because he won't be home for at least an hour!

Family Tragedy

For those who haven't already heard, my little brother, Greg Wagner, died on Monday. He drowned in the lake near my mom's house and was pulled from the water later that evening. We are all devastated and in shock. Please pray for God's comfort for all of us. The memorial service is today at 3 p.m. in Gun Barrel, TX.

Saturday

I'm feeling quite refreshed today after some very satisfying alone time this afternoon. I went out and had lunch by myself. Well, actually, I did take someone with me - a book! I was able to read and to eat without worrying about who was going to wake up or having to get up from the table half-a-dozen times to fetch something. After that, I went to Borders and enjoyed a brownie while I read my book some more!

I did get a Father's Day gift for Doug as well... which is good since I just remembered that I never got him a birthday present! (i know, i know - but i had a one-week-old infant and i wasn't allowed to drive yet!) I had decided on two gifts for Father's Day. Maybe I'll make one of them a birthday present...

Eli is four weeks old now and he seems so much bigger than when we brought him home. He's gained 1.5 lbs and 3 inches since he was born! (current stats: 8 lbs 8 oz and 21 inches) He is actually focusing on things now, including our faces, and will sometimes even track them with his eyes if they move. Lila has seen me pass a toy back and forth in front of him and tries to do it herself, but her technique is a little off. She holds it just a couple of inches in front of his face and moves it back and forth very quickly. Oh well. He thinks she's cool anyway! :)

Poop

I am pleased to report that the three of us had a fine day today and I even got a good bit of housework done! I have reclaimed our laundry room and the toilet bowls are no longer growing things. Equally exciting, but not nearly as enjoyable, was when my son pooped on the changing table. It shot out six inches! Ew!

That's still not as funny as what he did last week though. First, during a diaper change, he managed to pee onto his face. The next day, he peed into his open mouth! Gross! This boy is dangerous!

Our first normal-feeling Saturday

I'm trying to decide whether or not I should go to a movie this evening. I will definitely not be going to a super-late one, but I might go to a late evening show. It would be nice to watch a movie from beginning to end again. We've been watching them over two or three nights because if I'm at home and relaxed and the kids are asleep, then I want to go to bed too! We'll see what happens...

Right now, I'm waiting for Eli to wake up and eat so that Lila and I can go to the grocery store. Naturally, since I'm waiting for him, he has decided to sleep longer than he has all day! Oh well, it's not like the trip to the store is pressing. It's mostly just to get out of the house and to have a little alone time with my daughter. It will give Doug a break too because she wants him to play constantly.

I took a couple of Tylenol a little while ago and I hope they work soon. For some reason, I've had a sinus headache for two days. I say "for some reason" because the pollen count is not supposed to be that high right now. I guess even a little bit of grass pollen is enough to knock me out since I'm so allergic to it. When I have sinus pressure, it makes the spots where my wisdom teeth used to be ache. Strange!

Better

Wow, yesterday was rough. By the end of the day, I just wanted to walk out the front door. From 7 a.m. to 2 p.m., The Boy did not sleep for more than 5 or 10 minutes at a time. He took a one hour nap at 2 and then started up again. Even worse, he was fussing or full-on crying for most of the time that he was awake. Add to that the fussiness that Lila started because she wasn't getting enough attention and -- ACK!!!

The good news is that Eli seems to be in a much better mood today and there have actually been times when he was awake, but not crying. (yesterday, that only happened while he was eating.) I like it when he's quiet and alert. It's when he's cutest and he makes lots of funny faces. As long as he's awake like that, he keeps those eyeballs roaming all over the place. I guess he's still trying to figure us out too!

This morning was swim class and we all did a great job! Eli was content and cooperative. Lila was a fabulous swimmer and helper. And I managed to juggle both of them and our bags (in the rain) without hurting myself or losing my mind! And Doug is off playing golf with some suppliers, so I'm sure he's had a great morning too! In fact, he should be coming home and Lila should be waking from her nap any minute. I think I'll grab a few minutes of book reading before those things happen...

I tried...

Today is my first full day alone with the kids and I'm exhausted already! Really, I started off the day feeling exhausted, but that was thanks to allergies...

Ha! I started this post at noon. Now it is 7 p.m. I think I should give up and just post this photo. It has been a L-O-N-G day.

Finally

Well, to be perfectly honest, the first week home from the hospital was hell. I quickly descended into a depression every bit as bad as the one I experienced after Lila was born. The good news is that I am recovering much more quickly this time. There are a lot of contributing factors to my recovery, but the help of family and friends has been invaluable.

Eli is three weeks old now and we seem to be figuring him out a little more each day. It seems like much more than three weeks ago that I went to the hospital to have my c-section! Eli has been eating about every 2 hours during the day, but goes more like 3 to 3.5 hours between feedings at night. The interrupted sleep is not fun, but it could be much worse!

Lila didn't seem to mind Eli's presence at all for those first couple of weeks, but this past week has been more difficult. She is being very rude and defiant, and she told us once that she thinks he wants to go back (either into my belly or to the hospital - i'm not sure which). However, I know that is normal and I'm confident that she will adjust quickly... at least once life develops some sort of normalcy again.

Doug was off for three weeks and just went back to work this past Monday. He is very tired, of course, but doing well otherwise. I'm sure he'd love to be going to bed early with me, but has had conference calls at 9 p.m. the past two nights. For Father's Day, I'm thinking of sending him to the guest room for a night of uninterrupted sleep.

Okay, I'd better stop typing now before I wake up The Sleeper.

Things here are going pretty well. I'm just having trouble finding the time to sit down at the computer. Right now, Eli and I are about to go to bed. I'll try again tomorrow. :)

The Peeler Kids

Stuff

I still haven't gotten a photo of the play house that I'm satisfied with, but this one will do for now. As you can tell by the vacuums and mop buckets on the porch, it needed/still needs a bit of cleaning up. We had a rug in our garage (from the old house) that was just about the right size, so Doug trimmed it and laid it in the play house as a carpet. Much better than the 25-year-old floor underneath!

Did you ever have one of those Barbies that could be pregnant? She had a plastic belly that snapped onto her body (with a little plastic baby inside) and when you were done with that, you just snapped it off and her perfect flat belly was underneath. Aside from the obvious lure of the instantly flat stomach, I so wish that I could just pop this belly off sometimes and give my back a rest!

To brag a little, Lila did a spectacular job at swim class this morning! She can swim all the way across the pool (width, not length) without any help. That's 12 seconds of holding her breath and swimming with her face in the water! I don't even like to get my face wet. This kid is amazing!

voices in my head

*Note: In looking back at old blog posts, from the first few months of Lila's life, I've noticed that I mentioned almost nothing about what I was going through emotionally. I don't like that, partly because it seems dishonest and partly because I wish I had a better record for my own benefit. So I'm determined to be more forthright this time around.

I'm having a pretty rough day. Actually, I've been having a rough few days. Depression is rearing its ugly head again, possibly due to a surge in hormones as my delivery draws near. I'm already having thoughts and feelings that are remarkably similar to what I experienced after Lila was born. Thoughts of how I'm a terrible mother and I don't deserve my children, blah blah blah. I'm really not a fan of hormones. Or Satan. Two things which are pretty close to the same in my opinion. :o)~

On a related note, I finally got an appointment with a new psychiatrist (had to get away from the old one because i found her, and many of her policies, to be more frustrating than helpful)! I started with a list of 12 who were on my insurance and relatively nearby and before I was done, I thought I was going to run out of names. Most of them were either not accepting new patients or not accepting my insurance anymore or wanted me to switch counselors, etc. Good grief!

[For a bit of background on this photo, I made a shrimp salad for dinner on Saturday evening and there was quite a bit of it left over. For a before-bed snack, Doug decided to eat the remaining shrimp and toss the rest (because leftover salad is limp and icky). I walked into the living room and found him doing this. He explained that he just didn't want to dirty another dish, but it still cracked me up.]

Our Last Week

Finally, some new photos of Lila to post! I go through phases where I take pictures like crazy and other times where it barely crosses my mind. When I finally ran out of recent photos and had to go back to Easter, I decided it was time to be intentional about getting some new ones. Anyway, here is a picture of my cutie in her new (to us) car! Thank you, Grandaddy!

I'm 38 weeks pregnant now and I had my last appointment with the doctor today! The next time I see her it will be for my c-section - woah! Eli should be really plumped up and weigh about 6.8 lbs. I've had a couple of very brief ultrasounds lately to check his position and you can tell that he's much fatter and crowded looking in there. He's over 19.5 inches long (like a leek). Soon, we'll know his exact size!

I'm so excited to hold Eli and actually see him and watch him move instead of just feeling him move and speculating about what he looks like. I can't wait to touch those little hands and feet! Ack! His organs are all mature and he's ready for life outside the womb. I would love to know what (besides God) tells your body when it's finally time for labor to start... :)

This Old House

We've already had an exciting day around here. For those who don't know, my mother's father, Dorsey Elmer Jordan, Jr., died a few weeks ago. He was always wonderful at building things, and when I was a little girl he built a play house for me. It's a fantastic little house - doors and windows that open and close, shingled roof, paneled walls, and it's even wired to have electricity run to it!

After Grandad died, I asked to have the play house moved from his backyard (in the dallas area) to mine. Besides the fact that it's very special to me, I now have my own little girl who will love playing in there as much as I did. My step-father, Frank, graciously offered to round up a few friends, load the house, drive it to Austin, and move it into our backyard.

Well, today was the day! After lots of pre-work by Doug (to prepare the area where it would be sitting), and lots of moving and grunting and making the women-folk nervous by Frank, Doug, and three other men, the play house is in our backyard! As soon as Lila wakes up from her nap, we will be out there, giving it a good cleaning and moving some of her little furniture into it. I'm so excited (for both of us)!

Eli who?

There has been more and more focus lately on preparing for Eli's arrival. Well, that has been the focus inside my head anyway. I think Lila is starting to feel the stress of that herself, though I doubt she really understands the source of it. She woke up last night with a bad dream and came into our room with the most pitiful request I've ever heard...

"Keep me safe. Keep me safe."

After crawling in bed with us for awhile, she was able to go back to her own bed and finish sleeping without incident. [Side note: This morning, we asked her what her bad dream was about and she said she opened a box and a pile of frogs came out. Then one of the frogs bit her. Nearly all of her bad dreams have been about some sort of unusual animal biting her, poor girl.]

This morning, when I told her that we were going to BSF, she declared that she doesn't like BSF. She has said this before, but she has also told me that she's excited about going and I know that she nearly always enjoys it once we get there. Anyway, we went. When I was picking her up after class, one of the teachers commented that she seemed to be having an "off" day.

At that point, I decided to ditch the ideas I'd had for last-minute baby-stuff shopping this afternoon. We have just spent the day at home and I have made sure to give her the amount of focused attention that she is used to. It may not make an immediate difference in her attitude, but at least I know that I am doing what I can to keep her world normal in the midst of this crazy-making anticipation!

Still Pregnant Blah Blah Blah...

I've made it to 37 weeks pregnant, which means that Eli is full term. [Okay, you can come out now!] That means that if he were born now, his lungs should be fully mature. [No really, you can come out any old time!] So he's ready to adjust to life outside the womb, even though my due date is three weeks away (and my c-section two weeks away). [Did you hear that? You're ready!]

I felt pretty great last week. Lots of energy and not too much discomfort. As of today, I'm back to being done with this. I'm so done with it that I don't want to talk about it anymore. Let's talk about... umm... Drat! I can't seem to think of anything else.

Okay, let's talk about kitties. That's always a good topic. They are cute and fuzzy and they purr. I like little bitty ones with round heads and tiny ears. They open their mouths all wide and then make these teeny squeaking noises. I would like a basket of them, please. I would also like to ride the Hogwarts Express, in the rain, TO Hogwarts.

What?!? I'm about as likely to get one as the other!

What a cutie!

I took Lila yesterday morning to have some "Spring Portraits" done and they turned out wonderfully! These two scans are really not great, but you'll get the idea. The dress she's wearing is her Easter dress, which we successfully got no photos of her wearing on Easter weekend. Well, that's not entirely true. She is wearing it in several pictures, but she also has a long sweater on over it. Effectively, no photos.

Lila and I went to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) this morning and it was great, as usual. We did find out, however, that the Teaching Leader for our class will not be with us next year. So sad! I'm sure that next year's teacher will be good as well, but I'm sad to lose Renee because I love her lectures.

Next week, we are preregistering for next year's BSF class and I'm signing up in faith that I will find some way to make it work. They don't have childcare for little ones - only classes for kids 2 years and up. That means I'll have to find either a babysitter or daycare center for Eli on Wednesday mornings. It will be a challenege, but it's worth it for Lila and I both!