You know, when we were looking at houses this last time, we were really hoping to get something larger than what we were in. We found this house, spacious and beautiful - just what we wanted! I had no idea what I was getting into. We have the same number of belongings as before (more or less), but so much more space to scatter them across. I can't keep this place clean for anything!

I still love this house, but there are days when I think longingly of the one we lived in when we first got married. It was a LOT smaller and should have been so much easier to clean. If I had worked as hard then as I do now (trust me - i ain't claiming to be cinderella), I'm pretty sure it would have been spotless. Oh well...

So... my birthday is only four days away. I'm not sure what this says about me, but I try to drop as many hints as politely possible before the day and then set my expectations nice and low once it comes. That way I can be delighted by all the birthday wishes. One year, while I was in college, I went with this approach and my roommates didn't believe that I was actually surprised by the surprise party they had thrown me.

They figured that I had expected it, but I was completely caught off-guard and loved it! (up to that point, it had been a pretty crummy birthday. i started off the day by spilling some sort of food or drink on a brand new outfit and it just kept going that way.) Not that I'm implying I think anything like that's going to happen this year. I'm just sayin'...

No More Little Peelers

For those who haven't heard, we have officially decided that we are done with having children. It was, for me at least, a difficult decision. I mean, when I'm pregnant and right after my babies are born, I'm certain that I never want to go through that again. (and i question why the heck i went through it the first time!) After several months, however, the amnesia sets in and I start thinking longingly of pregnancy. [shudder]

This last time that I started to feel that way, I took it to God for an answer. I fully expected Him to tell me it was time to pop out another hit, but I was in for a surprise. The clear message was that we should have no more children. I couldn't figure why He would give me that answer, so I kep questioning Him and myself. (Is that reeeaaally what He said? . . . Yeah, it really was.)

Then I had an amazing time of communion with God during a church service where He spoke clearly to me on a few different topics, one of them being this one. The message (given by the Always Inspiring Ted Beasley) was on quitting - when you should, when you shouldn't, and stop complaining either way. He mentioned that one time when it's appropriate to quit an endeavor is when the end result does not justify the pain caused in the process.

And then it hit me: This was why God didn't want me to have any more children. Lila and Eli are well worth the pain that the pregnancies and depression caused. But God does not want me (us) to willingly, knowingly engage in that kind of difficulty again. It's not just my own pain that must be considered (that i can more easily overlook). There is also pain for Doug and those members of my family and friends who are so sacrificial and helpful during difficult times. And if we had another child, this time Lila would be old enough to really be impacted by my depression.

It was both a humbling and a warm feeling. Humbling to think that so much pain could be caused by my actions (getting pregnant, i mean - i know that i can't control the depression 'cause BOY have i tried). And it made me feel warm and loved to know that God cares for us and does not desire pain for us. I have two amazing children and my responsibility now is to raise them and teach them to love God and and pursue their passions.

At the same time, it was a difficult decision for me to accept. Part of me felt as though I were rejecting a child and telling him/her that they weren't worth it. I had to remind myself that I was not rejecting a child, I was just choosing not to create a child. It's a subtle, but profound, difference that's difficult to explain.

And now I'm at peace with that decision and Doug and I are trying to decide which one of us is getting "fixed".

Sleeeepy

I'm tired this evening, but I don't think it's physical fatigue. I think I just need a break from people. Specifically, I need a break from people who don't come up to at least my shoulders. My children are an unbelievable blessing, but I need a break! I am so excited that Eli is weaned so that I can get away for a while! Sometime in the next few weeks, I will be leaving the house on Friday evening and not returning until Sunday evening and NO ONE is coming with me! Haha!

So, I got hooked on the show 'Lark Rise to Candleford' just as the season was ending and I can't wait for it to start back up! They've been showing reruns in its time slot, but only periodically. It's on PBS and this week it was bumped for some pledge drive programming. My other show is LOST and that one doesn't start until January! Oh, the agony! :o)~

We are still enjoying Gateway South Campus. The music is just great! Once a month, they do Gateway Unplugged, which is basically little church services in people's homes. We went to one last month and enjoyed it. I was hoping to go again this month and start having some second conversations with people, but we were out of town and didn't get home in time. Oh well, next month...

I need to go spend some time with God now, before I "forget".

Yesterday's Title Confused People

We've been getting involved in the Gateway South campus over the past couple of weeks and it's so exciting! I find it ever so much easier to feel comfortable and connected in a smaller setting. And being in a theater (junior high auditorium) with music that is far too loud felt like the Gateway of old. There was a tangible sense of comaraderie among the volunteers as people started tearing down and packing up after the service. I'm really looking forward to becoming a part of this little family.

Oh, goodness, I did something stupid yesterday. I left my coffee mug where Eli could reach it. Thankfully, the coffee in it was cold by the time he found it, but the carpet still suffered. As soon as I heard the sound of the mug scraping across the coaster, I started jumping up and diving toward him, but Eli still managed to spill a lovely arc of coffee across the floor. [sigh] Good thing the carpet is already light brown.

I wonder if I'll be able to go to BSF this year. Lila is still young enough to be in the kids class, which I am very happy about. She learned so much the year that she was in it! Eli, however, is still too young, so I'll need to find some sort of child care for him. I suppose I'd better start looking now because I think classes start at the beginning of September...

Too much.

I am so mentally exhausted that I really don't know what I'm going to say here, but I know I need to give everyone some kind of update! On top of everything that's going on with getting the houses ready to sell, Eli got sick this week. He had a high fever on Monday and Tuesday and spent most of his time laying on one of us or sleeping. His fever went away on Wednesday, but he developed a cough. This morning, I noticed he was wheezing.

I had put off taking him to the doctor because I knew they'd just say he had some virus and there was nothing they could do about it. When the wheezing popped up, that was my signal that it was time to go in just to be sure. So I called and tried to make an appointment for this afternoon, but when they heard that he was wheezing, they wanted me to bring him in immediately. Meanwhile, we were trying to have preschool.

Thankfully, the mommy friend who was here to help with Eli during school volunteered to stay home with her daughter and Lila while we went to the doctor. As expected, they couldn't find anything specific wrong with him and said it's probably a virus. They did hear the wheezing, however, and we did a nebulizer treatment there in the office. That was... exciting.

A few months ago, Eli was sick and needed a few nebulizer treatments, so we rented a machine and it all went fine. He seemed to find the experience relaxing and didn't mind it at all. This time, I had to pin his arms to his sides and hold the mask on his face while he screamed like he was being abused - for 15 minutes!!! Even more exciting, they sent us home with our very own nebulizer and we have to repeat this experience every 4-6 hours for three days.

Yipee. Hooray. And we're still trying to get our house in tip-top shape for showing to prospective buyers. Wow. Neat. And we could have people coming to see it as soon as Sunday. Fantastic. I'm exctatic. And did I mention that I need to go grocery shopping and make a separate trip to the pet store for cat food? -- Oops. I just fainted from excitement...

Random

I just overheard the following coming from one of Lila's school friends while playing make-believe outside:

"We miss our daughter. [fake crying] She died like Darth Vader. [more fake crying]"

Other fantastic things said by 3-year-olds today:

Lila: "I love you, Mother."
Me: "I love you, too, Daughter."
Lila: "You are my most special Valentine ever."

...and...

Lila: "All my little kitties are called Meshacks."

I love 3-year-olds.

Lots to say for a change

I come armed with four new stories today, so this could be a bit long.

#1: I mentioned before that our friends, Chip and Sara, had a baby last week. On Saturday, we went to bring them a meal and meet little Jace. I held him for a little while and Lila just kept going on and on about how little he was. "He's so little!" "He's tiny!" "He's itty bitty!" My favorite was, "He's got itty bitty toesies!"

Then Lila announced that she wanted to hold Jace. We got her up on the couch and I put him in her lap (with a little support for his head). It was painfully cute because she was being so sweet with him. She rubbed on his little belly and patted him and kept talking about how little he was. Since then she has been talking about how she's going to hold "her" baby like she did Baby Jace.

#2: Every day, Lila and I have what I call 'Bible Time'. I read a little devotional to her from a preschool devotional book I have and then I read a bit from the Bible. Each day's devotion is about a particular subject. A couple of days ago, the topic was 'comfort'. I said to Lila, "Did you know that Jesus is always with you to comfort you when you are hurt?"

She respoded with, "Yeah! [something something] Jesus helped me puke! [something something] And Jesus helped Mommy and Daddy puke!" Okay, yes, it was very funny to hear a 2-year-old saying that Jesus helped her puke, but the understanding behind this answer just blew me away! She understood that Jesus was there to help her when she was sick.

And she was also able to transfer that understanding to knowing that Jesus helped Mommy and Daddy when we were sick too. And in her little mind, the puking might have been Jesus' way of helping her feel better because I'm sure her tummy felt a lot better after she was done! She was also able to answer both of the 'comprehension questions' that I asked her after we read the accompanying story!

#3: I have this habit of kicking people in my sleep. Right after Doug and I got married, I woke us both up a couple of times by kicking him. We are pretty sure that I still do it, but we just sleep through it. Today, Lila and I were both taking a nap (in our own respective beds) and I was having this strange dream that was no doubt reflecting my anxiety over Doug's upcoming two-week trip to Asia.

In the dream, Doug told me that he was leaving later that afternoon to go to Houston on business for a couple of days. I was upset because he had left me no time to find someone to come stay with me. Then I come home and find that he's given our house key to a Chinese coworker who was in town for a few days - without telling me. I was completely ticked off and waiting for him to come home so I could gripe at him.

He finally did come home (we're still in the dream here) and apparently there was another person there, who might have been some representation of one of my brothers. This guy decided it would be funny to put a cold carton of milk against my back. When he did, I turned on him and started trying to strangle him, literally. I was fighting to get my hands around his neck and I think Doug was trying to stop me.

I'm guessing that hew as behind me, trying to pull me away and I was trying to kick him and strangle the other guy at the same time. Anyway, what happened in real life was that I actually did kick my leg out behind me and made contact with my poor, sleeping cat. It woke me up and I felt so bad, but I couldn't help laughing too. Poor Charlie! All he knew was that we were peacefully napping together and then I hauled off and kicked him! It didn't offend him enough to make him leave though.

#4: I was sitting at the computer a while ago and Lila came up next to me. She was holding my hands and looking up at me and I looked back down at her. She just stared at me for a minute and then said, "I really like you." I almost died it was so sweet!

A Milestone

This is my 1000th post! Wow! I feel that it should be really memorable or something. I did change the look of things, as I like to do occasionally. You're lucky I don't have more time on my hands or I might change it weekly! I seriously need to take the time to back-up all these old posts. This is better than any baby book and I would be in big trouble if Blogger ever crashed (or something) and ate my archives.

Physically, I am doing much better than I was a few weeks ago. The nausea is minimal and manageable and my allergies haven't been as bad lately either. I think I'm supposed to have more energy now, but I'm still pretty tired. Mentally and emotionally, there's a lot going on inside this wacky old head of mine! Moving to a new house and getting pregnant a month later is a pretty powerful combination!

Baby Peeler 2.0 is doing fine, so far as I know. It should be just over 1.5 inches long, which is roughly the size of a fig. That comparison means nothing to me, however, as I don't think I've ever met a fig. Apparently the baby is almost fully formed and moving now too. He/she even has tooth buds under the gums and the bones are beginning to harden! Crazy, man, crazy...

Doug is feeling the stress of things too. He has been very gracious since we found out that my getting up at all early contributed to feeling ill. He has been allowing me to sleep until 8:30, so he's not getting into work until 9 or 9:30. There have been nights when he had to work more after Lila went to bed because he is behind. I'll be getting up earlier again next week - pray that it goes well!

Lila is as cute and crazy as ever. She has made the transition to sleeping in a Big Girl Bed and it happened more quickly and smoothly than I ever would have hoped! Of course, the past couple of nights, she's been insisting on sleeping in the floor... that's where the 'crazy' part comes in. And she is completely obsessed with the Peanuts Halloween special. She's been talking about it endlessly for days!

Our families are as well as ever, except for Grandad Dorsey. He has begun chemotherapy treatments for lung cancer and somehow managed to get shingles at the same time! He's having a hard time kicking the pain of the shingles, which is making it harder for his system to handle the chemo as well. All around, not a good situation. My mom and aunt are taking it in turns to stay with him.

I haven't seen much of my friends lately. I have been so tired, physically and mentally, that I've been neglecting... pretty much everyone. I will be taking a trip to Fredericksburg this Saturday with a few of my good friends (and some of their sisters/mothers/etc.). That should be fun and, hopefully, refreshing. Meanwhile, everyone we know seems to be cranking out babies!

I recently realized that I've been trying to avoid God (emotionally, if nothing else), roughly since we moved. I'm working on identifying and processing the reasons for that, but just realizing it has made a huge difference. How often I forget that God is the source of my strength! the source of my rest! the source of my joy! the source of my life! I'm so thankful that He never leaves me, even when I run from Him.

Hurley is doing well, now that we've adjusted the a/c-heat settings. Since the nights have gotten cooler, we've discovered that our bedroom is the coolest one in the house. If the heater is set at 72, then our bedroom temperature will be 68. Hurley was really not appreciating the cold and had become rather sluggish. We bumped the thermostat up to 74 a couple of nights ago, which is more to his liking.

The kitties... [sigh] ... where to begin? They are quite well - don't get me wrong. They are just such cats! Charlie is not happy unless I am laying in one place, preferably petting him. Cordy is not happy unless Doug is giving her all of his attention and scratching her belly. Pesky little dictators. It's a good thing we're so crazy about them!

There you go - a long post with lots of photos. That seems memorable enough to celebrate 1000! :)

Afternoon in the Park

Lila and I had a fun time hanging out with our friends this afternoon. We went to Central Market, which is one of my favorite places to play. The girls played on the playground while us mommies sat on a bench and talked. The playground there is shaded by huge trees so that it's nearly always cool and comfortable. After that, we walked down to the water to feed the ducks.

Unfortunately, there were no ducks to be seen today, so we ended up feeding the little fish and the turtles. And then, just as we were getting up to leave, a couple of ducks showed up. By that time, however, we were out of bread and VERY hot (there's no shade by the water) so we left the ducks to pick up scraps left by the fish and turtles. Maybe next time...

Then we did our other favorite thing there - we actually went into the grocery store. They have a huge selection of bulk items, such as trail mix and animal crackers and all sorts of goodies. We usually get a little bucket of some sort of treat and that is Lila's 'special treat' for the day. It was an all around fun time and we were both happy and tired by the time we got home.

Funny story: We were at Double Dave's for dinner this evening and they had the music blaring, as usual. It was oldies today, which is my preference (over the hard rock or sports they have blaring at other times). The song 'Barbra-Ann' came on - "A Bar bar bar bar Barbar Ann..." Lila decided to sing along and her interpretation was "Blah blah blah!" I was laughing over that one for five minutes!

Showdown at the Park

To explain yesterday's photo (as well as today's), Lila and I had a playdate at the park on Friday morning. We met up with a friend and her daughter for a while, which was good for Lila and I both. We haven't seen a lot of our friends since we moved because we've been so busy and I've just gotten out of the habit of scheduling regular hang-out times.

Anyway, yesterday's photo showed a stand-off between the two little friends. They get along well for the most part, but there was a bit of pushing and "Mine!"-ing at the park. In the picture, they are staring each other down with a definite "Bring it on!" attitude. It was really funny and very hard not to laugh. I tried to contain myself though because I didn't want to encourage the quarreling.

Yesterday, we had to miss another friend's very fun-sounding karaoke birthday party. (Happy Birthday again, Ellen!) Let's face it - I've been a hermit lately. I will know that things are coming up, but I've been so unorganized that I forget about them until it's too late to schedule a babysitter or make plans to have Doug babysit. Before this week is over, I WILL have my calendar out of the box and on my desk!

No Boys

Lila had her 2 year check-up with the pediatrician today. Everything looked great and her stats are as follows:

Weight: 24 lbs 10 oz (30th %ile)
Height: 33 in. (25th %ile)
Head Circumference: 48 cm. (70th %ile)

Tonight it will be just the girls and I because Doug is going to small group. Maybe I'll just take a shower with Lila instead of doing a normal bath for her. Is it terrible that I don't enjoy doing bath time? (that's a rhetorical question - please don't answer it) It's such a bummer that Doug and I don't get to go to small group together anymore! Besides the obvious effect of each of us only getting to hang out with the group every other week, it means I only get to see Doug for about an hour and a half all day (including breakfast). Oh well, I'm still hoping to find a regular Wednesday night babysitter so we can both go every week... Actually, it would be more accurate to say that I'm hoping a regular Wednesday night babysitter will fall into our laps. [tee hee]

Insomnia

We close on our new house tomorrow morning and I'm so nervous that I can't get to sleep. Not nervous in a worrying kind of way. Just nervous in an expectant kind of way. Or, I suppose, it might be the fact that I can't breathe through my nose that's keeping me awake. Either way, that's why I'm posting to my blog at midnight.

This photo is of Lila with her friend, Naomi (daughter of my friend, Ellen). This was a particularly cute day for the two of them because it was the first time that Lila actively played with Naomi (who's roughly a year older). When this picture was taken, they were sharing a snack of pita and hummus while laying on the coffee table. Not long after this, they began collaborating on some kitty torture. As cute as their interactions were, I had to intervene at that point.

And speaking of photos, I have been terrible lately about having any pictures printed. I usually do that monthly - pick my 10 favorites from the past month, upload them to the Walgreens website, have them printed, and put them in our photo album. I like having physical photos to flip through now and then (and to show off). I get double prints of some of them and those get sent to various family members who don't make it down here to see her very often. Anyway, I'm about three months behind on this and I need to catch up! . . . after we move.

The Good and The Not-So-Good

Some family and friend updates for you:

One of my grandfathers, Dorsey E. Jordan, has been having some health problems lately and I would love it if you'd join me in praying for him. The short version of the story is that he had an artery that was 75% blocked, which they cleared out and put a stint in. He is also anemic and they found masses on his kidney and lung. He is going to start receiving injections for the anemia - something to try and prompt his body to produce more red blood cells. The masses are still being explored and I don't have anything more to report on those yet. I will keep you updated. They did, however, just tell him that his kidneys are only functioning at 50%. That is bad, but not bad enough to need dialysis. They can't reverse the damage, but they think they can stop it from progressing. Whew! Please pray for him.

Our friends, Wilson and Melissa Wicks, had their baby girl, Bryce Michelle, at 10:20 this morning. She is 8 lb. 9 oz., 21" long, was delivered by c-section, and she and mommy are doing well. Hooray!

Lila's Friends

Lila has a new friend in the neighborhood. For a long time, our 12-year-old next-door neighbor, Elizabeth, would come over about once per week to play with Lila. Sometime over the past several months, she kind of lost interest in that activity and we haven't seen her at all this summer. Kinda sad, but not a big deal. There's only so long that a pre-teen is going to think it's cool to hang out with two adults and a toddler.

Well, Elizabeth's place in our family has now been taken by Tichina, a 13-year-old who lives up the street. Since school has been out, she shows up at our house 2-3 times per week to play with Lila. I really find it amusing that these girls like to come over and play with my toddler. Fun, and amusing.

On a less fun note, I've been sick all weekend. This was both helpful and detrimental to my Harry Potter reading plans. On the helpful side, I couldn't do anything besides lay around anyway and Doug admitted that if I hadn't been sick, he would not have let me sit around and read all weekend (though i would have been lobbying for that). On the detrimental side, I was reading more slowly than usual because I felt like dookie!

So it goes.

As I was starting a load of laundry earlier, I was thinking about Lila and how much I like her. I mean, we definitely have days when we aren't very fond of one another, but there are many more days when we have a lot of fun together. She is so sweet, and she is the funniest little person - I love to watch her play because you can see her learning right in front of your eyes!

Anyway, I was thinking about her and decided that she's my friend. I imagined telling someone that she's my best friend -- but that didn't feel right. As I thought about it more, I realized it's not true and I don't think it should be. She is not my best friend, or even a regular friend. She is my daugther. And that is something altogether different and more special.

I think maybe it's easy to start thinking of your child(ren) as your best friend and I'm not sure that's a good idea. A friend is someone that you lean on and turn to for support. A child is someone who leans on you and looks to you for support. You still have fun times together and, hopefully, can spend a lot of time talking, but they cannot give you the encouragement and perspective that we need our friends for.

I've only been a mother for 18 months and a wife for 4 years, so I know that I have limited understanding. But please allow me, with my limited understanding, to step up onto a soapbox for a moment. I believe that your best friend, if you are married, should be your spouse (i do recognize that takes the effort of two people and is not always possible). And, whether you are married or not, I think you should have a few close friends of the same sex.

Doug and I agree that we are best friends, but when we spend all of our time together and neglect our other friends, it begins to affect us. We need someone who can understand the part of us that only a person of the same sex can really understand. And we need an outside party sometimes to help us with perspective on problems, or just life in general.

I'm not really going anywhere with this. It's just something I was thinking about and wanted to share. And now I can hear that Lila has woken from her nap, so I guess I'll stop. :)

P.S. - Our oven died a fiery death last night. RIP

Finally Back Online

Whew! The past week has been crazy. We were iced in for three days last week and then it cleared up enough that I was able to fly to New York on Thursday. I got home late on Sunday night and spent Monday and Tuesday recovering. It's taken me this long to catch up on things enough to take the time to blog. Like I said, whew!

The trip to NY was lots of fun! I missed Doug and Lila a LOT, but only moped a little. Renee and I stayed up way too late most nights and walked our tushies off during the day, so I was exhausted by the end of the trip. We ate out for nearly every meal and I discovered the best chocolate cake in the world (at Max Brenner's). I walked up 5th Avenue and stopped into Saks long enough to have some guy in mascara tell me (in a very polite and tactful way, of course) that the area around my eyes needs work and I should buy some $150 eye cream.

I attended 2/3 of a mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral and bought Lila a new I [heart] New York shirt since she's just outgrown her old one. Then it was on to the half-price ticket line, followed by the NY Public Library. The show we saw was Spamalot and it was hilarious! After that we went to the top of the Empire State Building - not something I recommend doing at 11 p.m. in the middle of January!

We also did some shopping on the Upper West Side, saw a movie ('The Painted Veil' - sad, but very good - i recommend it), and had dinner at an exceedingly cool and expensive restaurant called Duvet. Their gig is that you eat on beds instead of at tables. The photo here is taken at our bed. Excuse my wind-chapped cheeks and hat hair. The place is very cool and you can check it out at www.duvetny.com.

Anyway, those were the highlights. Add in miles and miles of walking and lots and lots of eating and you've got a pretty good idea of my Solo Adventure in New York!

Do me a favor...

In the past two weeks, the following things have happened to friends of mine:

One couple had to be induced two months early and their baby girl was born weighing only 3.5 lbs. She is doing alright, but will be in the hospital at least through the end of the year.

Another found out that they are likely going to lose the child that they are currently expecting. They already had heart surgery done on the baby in utero and it was not successful.

And then there is the tragedy that I mentioned a couple of days ago with the friends who lost their oldest son in a car accident. We are going to the funeral tomorrow.

So do me a favor. If you have a child in the house, get up now and go hug them... :)

If any of you are interested in keeping up with Mason Hagen's recovery so that you can pray for him more specifically, you can get information here: http://hagenupdates.blogspot.com/

It is updated at least once daily.

A Hug from God

Think of your four favorite hugs. Are they from a grandparent? A parent? Your spouse? Your child? Now think about what it is that you love about these hugs. When you are in their arms, do you feel accepted? Loved? Beautiful? Complete?

In any relationship, there is a touch of bittersweetness because none of us are perfect. During one of those wonderful hugs, there are always voices whispering in your head. "I should call her more often." "I wish he would call ME sometimes." "If only I could take back that hurtful thing I said." "Why does she have to grow up?" Even if we aren't consiously aware of the voices, they are there.

Now take those four favorite hugs that I asked you to think of before and I want you to imagine straining out all of the bittersweet parts. Strain each one until what is left is beautiful and flawless. Now take those four purified hugs and add them together into one pure hug that encompasses all of your favorite things. Take that one pure hug, multiply it by 1000 and add the power of the universe to it.

This is what I imagine a hug from my Lord to be like. I think it will feel sweet, safe, passionate, and singularly our own. It will be beyond description and once we find ourselves in his arms, we will never leave them. Praise God!

On Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006, Marshall Arnold Hagen died in a car accident at the age of 20. Right now, Marshall is in the arms of our Father, experiencing this boundless love. I can be certain of this because his hope, like mine, is in Christ. And that is a hope that does not disappoint.

Marshall's brother, Mason Hagen, was also in the accident and is currently in the hospital with severe burns. Please pray for his quick healing and that skin grafts will not be necessary. Please pray that he would be able to leave the hospital, at least temporarily, to attend his brother's funeral. Please pray that Mason would heal emotionally as well and would find freedom from the guilt he feels. And please pray for the entire Hagen family -- Mark, Kristen, Hannah, Heidi, and Madison -- to be filled with God's love and comfort as they grieve the loss of Marshall and pray for the healing of Mason.

I didn't know Marshall as well as I do some other members of his family, but his death makes me angry. It is unfair and just doesn't make sense. I hope that you feel the same way because I think that is the response that God wants from us. We were not created to live in this world full of pain and it should not be okay with us when something like this happens.

I'm not saying we should let this anger stand between us and God. That is certainly not what He wants. This anger should propel us toward God. Go to Him and tell Him how you feel. Rant and cry and shout if you need to. God wants every part of your heart! If you will come to him with your pain, He will use you to help this world.

God speaks differently to every person and the things he says will be different for every person. But his purpose for us all is the same. He wants us to come to Him, broken and powerless, and let his love and power fill us until it overflows into the lives of those around us. That is the only way we can really make a difference and it is a privilege that I hope I never forget the honor of!

Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

Last night, I had a lovely night out that has me walking around this morning with a serene smile on my face. It started out as a normal Friday evening, with Doug, Lila and I having dinner at Chuy's. (oh chuy's! how i love you!) We ate, we came home, and we started Lila's bedtime routine. After my part was done -- that would be the nursing -- I left!

I met my wonderful friend Ellen for a little dessert and coffee at La Madeleine. She has a baby boy who is three-and-a-half weeks old, so he had to come with her. But she left her daughter at home with Daddy as well, and we had a blissfully interruption- and drama-free evening. We drank coffee, ate soup and muffins, and talked talked talked. We reveled in not having to worry about naptimes or mealtimes or temper tantrums. Ahh...

When Ellen finally needed to take the baby home at around 10:15, I didn't feel like going home myself. I was having fun and wasn't feeling tired, but I knew that I would end up just going to bed if I went home. So, I called home to get the okay to stay out a bit longer. Doug said that was fine with him, but he'd probably be asleep when I got home. OK! He also advised me to stay away from "loose men". I told him I'd try.

I knew the bookstores would still be open, but didn't really feel like doing that since I'd already had some coffee and wasn't in the mood for reading. So I drove to the movie theater that is just behind La Mad. Unfortunately, I was about 10 minutes to late for the latest shows. Not intending to give up so easily, I drove to another theater nearby. They still had shows available!

There was one movie left that didn't start for ten minutes (a 10:40 show), so I bought a ticket. I had no idea what the movie was, but it was rated PG-13, so I figured it couldn't be too bad. Once I got inside, I called Doug again to let him know what I was doing and to ask him to look the movie up on IMDB (www.imdb.com) to see what it's about.

Turns out it was a movie that I wanted to see anyway, I just didn't recognize the name! It was 'Stranger Than Fiction' and it was great! I won't go into plot because I don't want to give anything away, but I really enjoyed it. It was quite funny, but there was more to it than I expected. I figured I'd get ten minutes into the movie and start dozing off, but I never felt tired! I recommend this one - at least for a rental.

I finally made it home around 1 a.m. and I was starving by this time. So, I ate my leftovers from Chuy's while playing Internet Backgammon. I went to sleep around 1:30 with a smile on my face and it's still there. It's amazing what a night out, free from responsibilities, can do for you! [sigh] Now I must go and smear toxic chemicals on my scalp...