Awkward

"Nobody ever outgrows Scripture; the book widens and deepens with our years." -- Charles Spurgeon

You know why I like Jesus? Because I never feel awkward around Him.

I am an awkward and, at times, off-putting person. I say and do strange things and I am terrible at starting a conversation. When I see someone I know, and it's not a planned meeting, I panic. Seriously. I know I need to talk to them - and I want to - but I don't know what to say!

When I try to develop a friendship with a new person, I feel like it tends to come off as kind of creepy. I just don't know what I'm doing. I try very hard sometimes, and then I get so discouraged because of the awkwardness.

I wish Someone would make a CHECKLIST for me, starting with first encounter and working slowly (and appropriately) up to a lasting friendship. This mythical Someone should also give me some index cards with appropriate greetings, questions, and conversation-starters.

I've gotten pretty good at being entirely myself around others. (Not including group/party situations, during which I still tend to try and make myself invisible.) The problem is that I'm just as awkward when being myself as I was when I was trying too hard to make people like me.

I feel as though my love for others and desire for meaningful relationship has grown over time. God can change hearts! But I still lack skills. Skills which seem to come quite naturally to most people. It's a frustrating place to be.

I look to the Bible and prayer, in search of help. And I want, above all things, to be like Jesus. I see Him changing my life every day. But still I struggle. A vital piece of this puzzle seems to be missing! It's hard not to become very negative toward myself.

I've got no answer to this problem, nor a tidy wrap-up to my post. It's just something that's been going through my head and heart today.